Dear Friends, Family, Esteemed Colleagues, Internet Strangers, and Friends of My Mom,
This is a brief owner’s guide for loving me without burning me -or you- out. In most cases, I would quite literally set myself on fire to keep someone else warm, and that has to stop.
Over the past decade, I have gone through three really hard friendship breakups and a couple of less serious ones. My relationship to each of you has changed. My life has changed. Hell, even my name has changed. I’ve decided that it’s time to start really leaning into boundaries, something I have always struggled with.
If you’re reading this, I probably already love you a lot and I really really want to keep you in my life. Me setting these boundaries will help us stay in each other’s lives in a healthier way.
Here’s the problem, my brain is wired to say yes and to continue to say yes LONG after I am exhausted, burned out, or devastated. I will contort myself in excruciating ways to help someone else who is having a hard time. I will go long past my own limits or capacity to try to support someone else who is struggling. That isn’t to say I always say yes when I want to say no, but it happens enough that I have noticed it as a problem. Even the gentle ways I try to say “no” end up sounding more like “maybe” or “yes.”
From the outside, this can look like I’m totally fine and available- right up until the point where I suddenly disappear or pull way back because I quietly hit a wall 40 miles ago.
Moving forward, I will be attempting to give more frequent updates about my capacity and limits in my relationships. I would appreciate if you would also share with me about your capacity and limits as well as respecting mine.
If and when I say yes to things, I want whoever I’m saying yes to to know that it’s an authentic yes. I don’t want them to be left wondering. This is why, moving forward, I’m also going to try to say, “no thank you” more frequently. I’m over-scheduled, having a terrible time sleeping, and I’m trying to manage 5,000 doctor/mental health appointments right now. I’m finding that I’m requiring a lot of extra quiet down time after socializing.
I TOTALLY understand that friendships are not a one way street. When I am honest about my capacity, limits, and desire to do things, I feel that the quality of the time I spend with people is better and I am left feeling happy instead of resentful. This is me promising to be better about saying no. It’s also me asking you not to assume everything is a yes and to maybe sometimes check in to see if I’m really sure on a “yes”.
It’s okay to ask me for things or for me to do things. I need you to know that saying, “no” is very very difficult for me. A big, old part of my brain has convinced me that if I set a limit, you will be angry with me or won’t love me anymore or will decide I’m not worth the time and effort. Please don’t punish me for being honest about what I can handle.
I love you and I want to support you in the ways I can and I appreciate all of the support all of you have given me. This is about PROTECTING love, not withdrawing it.
If your name is Grace Kendall or Mike Belsole, please disregard.
How Could I Fear Any Hurricane? 