This is about how a Hozier concert and the kindness of strangers helped me honor my late service dog, River, and restored my will to live.
TW: death of the best dog, suicidal ideation, mania, psychiatric hospitalization
Do you need support? Call or text 988 if you are feeling suicidal or are in crisis. If you feel unsafe, please go directly to the nearest emergency room.
If you or a loved one are struggling with suicidal ideation, please call 988 to speak with the suicide crisis lifeline and also speak to a licensed mental health care professional at the earliest possible time.
Intro
Hozier has said he tries to see the spark of the divine in all living things. If you’ve read my other posts, you can probably guess that to me, there was no living thing with a greater or brighter spark of the divine than my service dog, River. She had to be retired due to a CCL tear (ACL tear for dogs) after working for several years, but she would still perform her tasks at home until Fall of 2023 when she started having issues with her back end. Those issues never resolved and she was later also diagnosed with Degenerative Myelopathy (ALS for dogs) in Fall of 2024 and given 6-8 months to live. She made it 7.
For the last month or two of her life, we just listened to Francesca and a handful of other Hozier songs on repeat. It’s the song I chose to use for her memorial video (seen below). So when I got my pit ticket to see Hozier on September 16th, 2025, I knew I wanted to do something really special during Francesca to honor her. I cut out about 50 red hearts with my cricut and glued popsicle sticks to them. I cut out 95 more by hand with scissors. I wasn’t sure if people would participate, but out of all the people in line who took hearts, only 2 asked me “why?” When I explained, those 2 were happy to participate.
UPDATE: This is the new and improved version of River Love’s memorial video, including a video my friend, Jude, took of the moments after Hozier noticed the red hearts we held up during Francesca and now with the audio of Francesca FROM THAT NIGHT because some kind soul put it on youtube and because TikTok wouldn’t let me use the original audio.
Above is the ORIGINAL memorial video, which is the same photos as the first one but doesn’t have the video of Hozier or the live version of Francesca.
The Hozier Concert
TW: mention of psychiatric hospitalization, newfound desire to live
What I am about to tell you feels absolutely UNREAL to me. I had made a poster with a photo of River on it on the front and that said “Thank You” in Irish on the back that I was not allowed to take in with me (pictured below). So while we were in the pit waiting, I borrowed a sharpie from my friend who went with me and just wrote “FOR RIVER” on my heart that I had to hold up.
I didn’t go to the show looking for a sign — I just needed one night where the world didn’t hurt.
Hozier noticed the hearts, and the kind human in front of me screamed “she did it!” and pointed to me.
Hozier asked me if I was River and I explained that no, River was my service dog. He asked if I had lost her recently and I said March 12th and then, for some reason completely unknown to me, I felt the need to tell him I was in the hospital on his birthday. I IMMEDIATELY regretted this as soon as the words came out of my mouth, but I didn’t really realize as I was saying them that they were probably not appropriate words to share in that moment.
Even though I’ve shared a lot about my mental health on this blog, I feel a little shame surrounding that now. I’ll need to work through that in therapy 😂.
He initially started to thank me because I mentioned his birthday, but then realized what had happened and said he was so sorry to hear that. It was a sold out show. Approximately 25,000 people clapped for River, at Hozier’s request. At the end of this exchange, I knew he couldn’t hear me, so I mouthed “thank you” and signed it to him using ASL. I thought he signed it back, but when I rewatched the video after my friend insisted he was blowing me a kiss, it does kind of look like he is blowing a kiss. 🥹. It took me a few days to process, if I’m being honest. I initially just felt numb because I couldn’t believe any of this had happened.
After watching the videos over and over again, I started to feel this overwhelming sense of peace. It is as though the grief that was so heavy it was trying to kill me was diffused to the 25,000 people present and it now feels manageable. I feel like River’s legacy is secured and I can rest. I feel like I want to live and see what happens next. Hozier and the kind strangers who helped me get his attention made me want to live again.
Hozier saved my life.
This is not the first time my life has been saved by music and surely won’t be the last, but it is definitely the most magical, intimate, and impactful experience I’ve had. Having someone I respect and adore so much witness my pain and share it with a crowd of 25,000 is not an experience I ever anticipated happening. I don’t know what I thought would happen, but it wasn’t this. I assumed he would see the hearts but wouldn’t comment on them or may comment on them but never thought he would actually speak directly to me.
Liv took the top video right here and another kind person from instagram took the bottom one. My friend took the one at the bottom of these three.
Video 1: My interaction with Hozier after he noticed the hearts (Sept 2025)
Video 2: Same but from a different angle (Sept 2025)
Video 3: Same but from a different angle (Sept 2025)
In ADDITION to this, Liv, the wonderful human in front of me who shouted “she did it!” made sure my progress pride flag from Transpainter on Etsy that says “you are loved” made it to the head of security, Rob, who put it on the stage with two other flags. Hozier picked them up at the end of Take Me to Church and hung them on his microphone stand. Liv ALSO made sure I got my flag back. Shout out to Liv, they rock! And Liv’s friend took this great photo of Hozier holding my flag! She took the one on the right. Hozier also looked right at me during a speech and spoke about how great it was that people were sharing in each other’s grief.
Video 4: Nina Cried Power Speech- Hozier mentions sharing in each other’s grief at about 4 minutes at 41 seconds
Last Tuesday was not without its flaws. The venue was kind of a shit show and is incredibly unorganized and it’s clear none of their staff communicate with each other, but the show itself was incredible, Hozier and his band were incredible, Gigi Perez (the opener) was incredible, and I have never been happier about a concert experience. This was magic. This was medicine for my bruised and mangled soul. Hozier will never know what he did for me that night, though someone I met at the concert is very kindly going to hand deliver my thank you letter to his head of security at a concert next week and I did attempt to express my gratitude.
Crisis in the Peace Corps
TW: suicidal ideation, mania, psychiatric diagnoses, psychiatric hospitalizations
To understand the magic of River, we first have to go back to before I even knew she existed. Two weeks after I finished graduate school in June of 2013, I left for the U.S. Peace Corps to be an English as a Foreign Language teacher for elementary school students in a rural village in South Africa. While I was there, a lot of frustrating and outright awful things happened. I ended up becoming severely depressed and suicidal. A dear friend I made who was also a Peace Corps Volunteer finally told me that if I did not call the Peace Corps Medical Officer (PCMO) and tell him that I was suicidal, she was going to call. So on October 20, 2013, I called and spoke with our in-country Peace Corps nurse, Arlene. I told her that I was depressed and suicidal and that I needed help and couldn’t do this alone.
Making this call was terrifying because I was incredibly afraid that I would be sent home. I wasn’t wrong to be scared. After seeing a psychologist and then a psychiatrist who changed my medication, the symptoms of mania began and I ended up having my first manic episode. Mike (the PCMO) and Arlene told me that I could either go inpatient in Washington, DC and try to stabilize then come back to South Africa or I could go home to Asheville, seek treatment there, try to stabilize, and potentially return. I chose home.
I was back in my home town by November 20th, experiencing a mixed episode, and attending an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). That’s three hours of group therapy for three days a week. A mixed episode is when you experience symptoms of depression (suicidal ideation, lack of pleasure or joy in things you used to get pleasure or joy from, apathy, profound sorrow, etc) while also experiencing the symptoms of mania (for me that means reckless behavior, excessive spending, driving too fast, talking really fast, difficulty slowing down or stopping when talking, pressured speech, etc). It’s an incredibly confusing and not fun experience. My diagnosis was officially changed from Major Depressive Disorder to Bipolar Disorder.
The Immediate Aftermath
TW: suicidal ideation
This concert was the thing I was most looking forward to. Knowing it was coming up gave me hope and strength. Knowing it was coming up gave me purpose. I honestly wasn’t sure how I was going to do mentally in the aftermath of the concert with nothing to really look forward to. My friend and I did end up going to the second night as well but we arrived much later and hung out at the back of the pit until we moved over to where Hozier would walk past to get back to the main stage from B stage.
We had a lovely conversation with a security employee who used to train service dogs that felt very supportive and nurturing. We got a couple of tips from a couple of people about where to go stand. We reached our hands out and Hozier touched them! Hozier’s kindness that first night helped me realize that the best thing I can do for River right now is to continue to honor her legacy and share her story. So I will share it with you again here in case you haven’t read/heard it. You can also visit http://www.instagram.com/riverthewonderdale to see videos and photos of River going back to when I picked her up at 11 weeks old.
River the Wonderdale
TW: suicidal ideation, mania, psychiatric diagnoses, psychiatric hospitalizations
Sometime in early December in the IOP, my therapist at the IOP told me I needed a dog. She started to explain that I needed a dog to make me keep to a schedule, get me consistently going outside, have someone who loved me unconditionally, and several other reasons, but to be honest- she had me at “you need a dog.”I was living with my parents at the time (and until Summer of 2024) and they were very insistent that I was NOT getting a dog. I started researching breeders immediately.
Finding River
TW: Suicidal ideation, mania, psychiatric hospitalizations
I knew I wanted an Airedale Terrier because I had grown up with one. I got it down to two breeders that didn’t have a wait list. My parents reiterated that I was not getting a dog. After speaking with our family’s veterinarian, I decided to get an Airedale from about 3.5 hours away from my home. I placed my deposit with the breeder while I was at my grandmother’s house for Christmas. The breeder said, “I have one that can’t grow hair on her tail because she had a skin infection. She can’t be a show dog, so she is half price.” “I’ll take that one,” was my instant and enthusiastic reply. I had no idea that this discount dog was about to change my heart and life forever. I told my parents I had placed a deposit on an Airedale Terrier puppy and they said, “You are not getting a dog.”
After speaking with the breeder about the puppy staying with them until she was 11 weeks old so that I could get back in town from my grandmother’s house about 8 hours away from my home then travel the 3.5 hours to their house, a dear friend and I went to pick up my puppy on January 4th. “I’m going to get my dog!” I said to my parents. “You’re not getting a dog!” was the response.
At the breeder’s house, I had to fill out some paperwork. Then they gave me the puppy’s paperwork. It’s important to note here that I’m agnostic. I believe, based on personal experience, that if god exists, they are an asshole. I think Jesus’ teachings are great and I think following Jesus’ teachings is great, but I am not religious. So I don’t believe that this is a God thing even though I know my mom will disagree, but I do absolutely believe it is a moment when the universe had my back.
On the puppy’s paperwork, I was shocked and in awe to see that she had been born on October 20, 2013- the very day I had first said out loud to someone else “I’m not okay. I can’t do this alone. I need help.”
I named her River Love. River came from two badass female sci-fi characters (River Tam from Firefly and River Song from Doctor Who). Love came from my ancestors’ headstones, which I had just seen for the first time during our Christmas trip to my grandmother’s town.
After roughly a year of having River, I had a manic episode that required hospitalization. The psychiatrist at the hospital asked me if I had thought of training River as a service dog. I hadn’t, but I started looking for trainers in my area the same day. The first person I spoke to wanted $800/month for a minimum of 24 months. From a disabled person on workers’ compensation. I talked to a few other people before I finally found Steve, who was known locally as The Dogfather. He agreed on a price point that was manageable for me (with generous help from my grandmother).
Training River
TW: Stay at trauma focused residential treatment facility, suicidal ideation
Training River wasn’t difficult. She was incredibly food motivated and incredibly intelligent. We trained her to do tasks for what we thought was generalized anxiety but turned out to actually be Complex PTSD. The tasks are the same in many aspects, so the diagnosis didn’t really matter in that regard. Then we trained her in public access- that is-how to behave in public and how NOT to eat the popcorn off the floor at the movie theater or try to steal strangers’ food at the restaurant.
River traveled with me to Memphis to see family, to Florida for 89 days of residential mental health treatment at a trauma specialty facility, to Washington, DC to lobby for Amnesty International on two occasions, to the Inaugural Women’s March (also in DC), and to so many other places. She was my rock. She saved me. I promised her when she was a puppy that I would never leave her by choice (meaning I wouldn’t die by suicide). That promise saved my life on multiple occasions. River was so much more than just a pet. She was my freedom. My safety. My confidence. My heart. My soul. My reason for existing. Being her Mom was everything.
Losing River
TW: death of the best dog, suicidal ideation, psychiatric diagnoses, psychiatric hospitalization.
When I lost her, I spent 8 days in the hospital because it felt like the promise I made died with her. I didn’t want to exist without her. She was gone and the only way I could see out of the devastation and immense suffering was to die so that I could be with her. It felt like I was being sucked into a black hole. Like I would never feel happiness or joy again. Like the whole Earth had been pulled out from under me. Like there would never be anything but the misery and darkness.
They asked me to rate my pain on a scale of 1-10. I had been saving my 10 for this and I was very vocal about my pain being a 10 while in the hospital. At one point in the hospital, they had to sedate me because I was so upset. I’ve slowly been getting better. This concert restored my hope. It restored my faith in people to be kind, generous, and helpful. I am so grateful to Hozier, of course, but also to all of the people who held up hearts. All of the people who clapped for River. To Liv for drawing attention to me. Now River will live on for as long as any of the 25,000 of us who were there are alive. I hope people think of her when they hear Francesca. I didn’t expect healing that night, but what I experienced changed everything.
River was and is magic. River was and is the love of my life — the best thing that ever happened to me. On September 16, 2025, I was able to honor that love in a way that was profound and deeply moving. If you are reading this, Andrew, thank you — from the very bottom of my heart and the depths of my soul. You reminded me that the same spark of divinity that shone so brightly in River also lives within the kindness of strangers.
Harper/River’s mom
The Aftermath
TW: Brief mention of suicidal thoughts
It’s been a while since I wrote this blog post and I just wanted to give an update on how I’m doing now. I have only had suicidal thoughts once since the concert and I was successfully able to stop the spiral they were happening in. Once. Once in 78 days. When I was having them on an hourly basis at my lowest and certainly multiple times a day in the lead up to the concert. I have hobbies again. I’m baking and knitting again and learning how to play the acoustic guitar! I’m learning “Like Real People Do” first. I still get really upset about River being gone and I still mourn her so deeply. Something that clicked for me this week is that I can continue to celebrate River and be excited about River.
While stopping the spiral I was in, I felt a calm come over me. I started listing things I’m excited about: seeing Wicked: For Good with my best friends, learning guitar, my 40th birthday trip to Ireland in 2029, my awesome streak on Duolingo, future books, future movies, future music, all of my favorite songs that I haven’t heard yet, and then…RIVER! I can be excited that she was here!
I can be excited that I got the opportunity to love her! I can be excited that she loved me so deeply! I can be excited watching videos of her run or play or swim. She’s gone. And it’s perfectly okay for me to feel super super devastated about that. But that doesn’t mean I have to stop feeling joy about her. The concert may have been 78 days away, but my brain didn’t put that together until this week. It’s the concert that keeps giving! It cracked the door and my heart open to that possibility.
In other news, I had top surgery! That will be its whole own post, eventually. I’ll try to remember to link to it when I’ve written it.
Now, please tell me because I’m curious and nosy:
What musician has changed your life? What song or what artist? How has music transformed your grief? Leave your stories in the comments! Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable!
All videos can be found at https://www.youtube.com/@riverthewonderdale
And
UPDATE: This is what my (now favorite) wall in my apartment looks like. I wanted to find a way to tangibly honor how significant this night was for me and it all just sort of came together!
ETA: Just wanted to add that my blog is not monetized and neither is any of my social media. I finally gave in and paid so there wouldn’t be ads in the middle of my writing. My intention is purely to share my experience and promote River’s legacy.
Do you need support? Call or text 988 if you are feeling suicidal or are in crisis. If you feel unsafe, please go directly to the nearest emergency room.
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